The Awakening

Picture this: You've had a long day with the kids, filled with kindergarten, a makeup swimming lesson, a two-hour meeting developmental meeting, more swimming lessons and then the rush home for dinner.

T-ball starts at 6PM and you've scrambled to get everything done and the kids fed and ready. At 5:50, you start to wrangle them and this is what you find...



And this...




What do you do? Do you peel one off the couch and the other out of bed and get them to practice, hoping they'll get the slightest pep in their step, lasting long enough to participate? Or do you give them a break and let them rest after a long day?

If you asked me a year ago, I'd have a completely different answer than today. I'll share later what I ended up doing but first tell me, what would YOU do?

T-Ball Dropout

Like most moms, I can get overwhelmed. There are times during the week when I think I'm doing it all wrong and wonder how I got myself so far in over my head. There are moments -- sometimes days -- where self-doubt gets me down and I feel like my kids suffer from my inability to go with the flow.

T-Ball is one of those times.

My boys just joined the city's t-ball league. When the city called and said no one was interested in coaching, I went against all common sense and agreed to be an assistant coach. I wondered how I would truly be able to pull it all off, with two boys on the team and my active daughter at every practice. My four-year-old loves baseball so much that he's been talking about joining the team for an entire year so how could I say no?

But my five-year-old? Not so much. Last year, t-ball proved to be too overwhelming for our son who's on the autism spectrum. This year, we gave him the choice of playing or not when we were signing up his brother. He wanted in so we went for it.

Trying to help him catch, throw, bat and run is a full-time job. But I refuse as a mom to just give up. It's my job to help him work through it, even when I feel like I can't do it another second. Practice for me, is a very charged, stressful hour where I'm trying to do the best I can. My three-year-old daughter loves to take advantage of my distraction and my inability to grab her by climbing fences, jumping off bleachers and digging through the dirt.

Game day is much better, with help from Dad. We take turns helping the kids line up, joining them in the field and whatever else the coach needs. Or so I thought.

Yesterday, during Picture Day, I went to help out getting the kids ready for the photo op. The coach let me know she could do it and took over. She and the other assistant coach, dressed in team jerseys, lined the kids up and joined them in the team photo. I was surprised that I wasn't included but I shrugged it off.

This morning, as I went onto the team Website to see the photos from yesterday, my contact info as assistant coach was gone. It's obvious that there had been changes made yet no one even took a second to talk to me about their feelings or concerns. I probably shouldn't even care but I'm extremely hurt that another mom could just disregard me by making such a statement with no communication. I emailed her to find out what's going on but haven't yet heard back.

What would you do?

A Monumental Day (Times Two)

Today marks two important milestones in our family's life.

Before coming home to us, my daughter sat for 19 months in a nursery, caught in the middle of a lot of red tape, not realizing she'd ever have a real place to call home. It wasn't that she wasn't well cared for -- they kept her clean, fed and loved as much as possible -- but she wasn't with her family. Over the past year and a half, she has taught us more about patience and unconditional love than we could have ever imagined.

Today... April 16, 2010, my daughter has officially been home with us longer than she was without us. It's a day I wasn't sure would ever happen, the journey has been a roller coaster of joy, pain, and lots of questions. Anyone who tells you adoption -- or parenting for that matter -- is living happily ever after, they're either lying or on mass quantities of anti-depressants. Because no matter how your child arrives, there's a whole lot of self-doubt, frustration and fear that come along for the ride. While some say that everything fell into place immediately, others like our family honestly share that it takes a lot more than hugs and family movie nights to overcome some of the difficult obstacles that arrive with a child who didn't experience those important bonding moments throughout the first year and a half of her life. Rejection, fear of intimacy, and an emotional push/pull can not only confuse a child, but her parents as well. It's only been over the past several months that we've begun to exhale, seeing the change in us all, discovering each other in a way only a family can. We love you, baby girl. Thank you for completing our family.

But that's not the only reason today is so significant. April 16th, 2010 has always loomed in front of me as one of the most significant days of my life. As I've mentioned before, my mother was 39 years and 13 days old when she died of breast cancer. Yesterday, I turned 39 years, 13 days. That means today, after almost 36 years of wondering if I would suffer the same fate at such a young age, I have actually outlived my own mom. It's a bittersweet milestone, reminding me of how blessed I am to have the family I do... and confirming all of the tough decisions I've made and steps I've taken to fight for my life were absolutely the right ones.

Both of these milestones wouldn't even exist without the loss of two young lives -- both Lucy's mom and my own mom. I can only hope the pain and self-discovery that comes along with the grief can be something she and I can share and bond over through the years. Today is an example that life is not about what happens to you, but what you do with it. There is tremendous positive growth and a whole new appreciation that can be discovered through tragedy. Finding it can mean the difference between an ordinary life and one that's extraordinary.

Mom and Pop (corn)

We're spending a quiet morning discussing our day's plans when the idea of seeing How to Tame Your Dragon was tossed on the table.

"Ok, I'll grab some drinks and pop up a couple of bags of popcorn for it."

Wait, what?

It's no surprise that I expect the kids to finish what's on their plate, will save shopping bags even when I'll never use them again and I refuse to throw away toothpaste until "it's scientifically impossible to get the last drop out," according to Jeff. It's not shocking. Those are all typical products of being from a large family. But I remember as a kid being so bummed out that we couldn't order drinks from McDonald's because we "had them at home" and would leave the park at Disney World to shovel PB & J in our faces and not spend the ridiculous amount of money on the dried-up, over-priced Disney eats. I remember telling myself I wouldn't deny my kids that yummy goodness when I became a mom. But here I am, smuggling granola bars in my pocket in order to save cash and calories.

Am I stripping my kids of the best part of the movies by bringing our own snacks? Or am I a money-conscious, savvy mom who knows where to cut corners in order to still allow my kids to even go to the movies during tough economic times?

Do you ever surprise yourself by parenting like your own parents?

Are "Mommy Bloggers" Bad Parents?

"Mommy Bloggers." It's a term as polarizing as full-day kindergarten and universal health care. For every person who lives and breathes for using their laptop as a diary, there's another  who thinks blogging is the gateway to child abuse, done by terrible moms who exploit kids' failures and embarrassing moments online just for the sake of a good blog post.

I have lived on both sides of the fence.

When my husband and I decided to adopt back in 2007, I started a blog. It was an outlet for my feelings, questions and frustrations and a way to connect with others who were going through a similar process. With each passing month, the blog grew more readers and suddenly my life's foibles and fears turned into the daily entertainment for thousands of strangers. It was like my readers were BFFs and I couldn't wait to get back to my computer every night to share the stupid thing the doctor said or how the PTA of my son's new school hated me. Next thing I knew, I was more interested in sharing my life online than actually experiencing it - truly. With that so-called success, came a boatload of comments, criticism and judgment... (Keep Reading at Family.com) 

My question to you: Can a blogger do her job to inform, entertain and create conversation and protect her children's privacy at the same time?

This Is Not Goodbye...

It's been almost three years since I started this blog. What began as an online journal to help us through the decision to adopt and a way to connect with others through the process, my blog turned into so much more. I have told stories, voiced opinions, revealed fears and frustrations. I have asked you to open your hearts and minds and have tossed ideas and concerns your way.  And we have laughed -- there have been some crazy things happening up in here.

I have shared the story of my family, how we've come together and the challenges we face. But a few months ago, I began to feel differently. While I still feel as strongly and have discovered so many other things I feel passionate about to discuss and debate, revealing the personal life of my kids just doesn't feel the same. It's not that I want to shy away from the topics -- I could spend all day talking about the gift and the curse of parenting, whether it's adoption issues, asthma episodes or a variey of special needs. But when it comes to my kids personally, I am driven more by my need to protect them than the interest in sharing and connecting with others.

I do not know what the future holds. During those hectic days of activities, therapies and trying to keep our family afloat, I think of all that my readers have brought to my life. I appreciate every comment and email that I've ever received -- both the nice and not so much -- and know I'll be back in some way, some day.

You can friend me on Facebook if you want to keep in touch. I'll stop by some time and let you know where I've landed. Don't forget you can read my musings at Family.com.

Take care, be well and appreciate the blessings in your life.

-- Jackie

Kid Music You'll Actually Like

While he may not listen when I ask him to grab milk or take out the trash, my husband has been listening to his fans (and their kids). Today, he released his first-ever kids' CD (featuring a few adorable MacDougall children, of course) and will be performing in front of a LIVE -- and presumably rambunctious -- audience coming up on February 6th. If you're in Southern California and have small kids, comment below and I'll send you the details.




To buy the CD, CLICK HERE to either download or have the CD shipped!