Haitian Children Make It Home to Adoptive Parents

Could "Find My Family" Ruin Lives?

When I saw promos recently for Find My Family, I was immediately taken aback. I mean I worked in TV promotion for over a decade, I understand the need to make things look compelling and emotional. It's how you bring people in to watch your show. But I couldn't shake the feeling that the show is just plain wrong.

I explained this to a friend who encouraged me to give it a shot.

Begrudgingly, I turned on the show tonight about halfway in. The very stiff, awkward and emotionally-vacant host was walking up to a house that just happened to be in our own community. He laughed uncomfortably as he shared with Maria that her birth mom was, in fact, alive. And SURPRISE! I've got great news... you have siblings.

Next thing you know, the adopted woman is hiking up a hill to meet her birth mom who is standing at the top with a co-host. You know what else is on top of the hill? Yup, the "family tree." I think I threw up a little in my mouth when I heard that one.

They met, they cried, their lives were changed forever. Words like "whole new beginning - thank God" and "if this happened for me, it could happen for somebody else" just oozed out of my television set.

The show ticked me off.

Now I've never been in this scenario. The birth mother I lost was never to be found again. It's painful and difficult and hard to even communicate. Now I have a daughter who will go through her own feelings and challenges. Being separated from your family hurts -- there are really no two ways around that. Producing a show that's all about the "happily ever after" is not only inaccurate in a huge percentage of these stories, it's irresponsible. Searching for your birth family should be coupled with counseling, first to prepare the family members... and then to follow up in helping them cope with dashed expecations and unfulfilled dreams. Adoption, biology, loss, love and the rest of it is complicated, difficult and personal. Shame on those who feel the need to exploit it, just to make a buck.

Do You Have the Adoption Bug?

I've never made it a secret that I consider adoption to be hard. Some days, it's swallowed me whole, chewed me to a pulp and spit me out like a wad of gum, only to be stepped on by some unsuspecting fool. It's true parenting as a whole can leave you crying Uncle but adoption, at least for our family, has had an added element of complication, insecurity and unforeseen challenges.



That's why I'm always shocked fascinated by those who go back for more. For us, we had a daughter we were searching for. I had known she existed since I was a little girl myself. Adoption was just part of what makes up our family -- plain and simple. For others, they seek out children who wouldn't otherwise be adopted, opening up their minds, hearts and homes to creating a life together. Those people carry a determination and strength that leaves me in awe.

Tami and Bobby are two of those people. We witnessed the day their son Noah was forever united with them in Taiwan. Now, they're waiting for their next little guy to come home. To raise funds, they've created some cool adoption-related tees, which can be purchased HERE. Check them out. Maybe they make a cute gift for a family on your holiday list.

Do You Remember?

I've always been a fan of Earth, Wind & Fire's catchy tune, September. But two years ago, the song became a kind of anthem for us; the back drop of our overwhelming elation, emotion and eagerness to meet the little girl who would become our daughter.

Do you remember the 21st night of September?
Love was changing the minds of pretenders
While chasing the clouds away

September 21, 2007
The day we saw Lucy's face (via photographs) for the very first time. I remember the meeting at our adoption agency like it happened last week. We arrived to hear about a potential match, so determined to be logical, refusing to see her photo until we had all the facts and could make an educated decision. We wanted to be sure we considered everything, making the right choice for her and our boys. We thought that if we had seen her photo, all reasoning would go out the window and we wouldn't be able to think clearly.

We were half right.

After seeing her photo, there was no way we could even consider that she wasn't our little girl. She looked exactly the way I had imagined her. But it was actually hours before, when we got the initial call, that we knew there was no turning back. I can vividly recall standing in the hallway on the 10th floor of my office building (the same floor I was on when Jeff proposed), listening to the story of the girl I was positive was our daughter. As soon as I hung up the phone with our agency, I called Jeff and blurted "they found our daughter!" The photo turned out to just be confirmation that it was, in fact, our Lucy.

Two years later, Lucy's been home with us for a tiny bit longer than we waited for her. She's funny, smart, and has a zest for life that I've never seen in another human being -- ever. She's electricity and we're just trying to keep up with the power bill.


Related link: The posts from the week we first saw Lucy's face.

In the News: Guatemalan Children Abducted, Given Up for Adoption

When I stumbled across this story on CNN this morning, about how the Guatemalan army would steal children from their parents and hand them over to a government agency to be "sold" to families, my heart sank.

It's unimaginable what these children, their parents -- some of whom were killed in the process -- and now their adoptive parents have suffered through. If someone were to tell me that Lucy was living with us due to horrific, illegal and immoral circumstances, I wouldn't even know what to think or feel. The international adoption process is emotional, difficult and life-altering already, and that's if it goes perfectly.

I have no little gems to write here, or any interesting thoughts up my sleeve. I just wanted to express my profound sadness and sympathy for everyone involved.

The One Where the Siblings Meet

This video is by far one of the best things I have ever seen. For those of you who weren't following last year, this is what happened the very second Lucy met her brothers for the very first time -- one year ago today.

Taiwan Lucy: One Year Later!

I can't believe I'm typing these words... As of today, Lucy has been home one whole year! It's strange to think there was a time she wasn't a part of our family. What's even stranger, is to realize that a year ago, she didn't even know her brothers. The three of them now are so tight, such a incredible unit, that it's difficult to even imagine them entering our lives individually.

For the past several months, I've had this post worked out in my head. I was going to tell you that today is not, in fact, a day of celebration. It was this day a year ago that I first heard the cry that shook me to my very core. It was the day Yu-Ting was pulled away from everything and everyone she had ever known. It was the day she looked at me like I had ruined her life, not forgiving me for that for a very long time. The days, weeks and months that followed that day weren't easy. If you're going through the process now, I apologize for shedding a little bit of real life but IT. IS. NOT. EASY. Lucy rejected me for such a long time, I began to just go with it and shut down. I was sad and depressed and frankly, pretty pissed off. What I thought it would be like couldn't have been further from how it really went down. I don't care how many books you read, people you talk to or stories you hear, each and every adoption is different and you just can't know until you live it.

But that's not what I want to focus on. While I planned to go into how "gotcha day" was really the hardest day in all of our lives, when I woke up this morning, all I could think was how it was the biggest gift I had ever experienced. Sometimes we have to get through the mud and the ugly stuff, just to surface stronger and more beautiful than ever -- like a lotus flower.

So while I don't really know if we'll commemorate this particular day every year for the rest of Lucy's life, I do know we're celebrating today. Because a year ago today, the strongest, smartest, funniest, most beautiful girl in the world completed our family, making us look within ourselves, finding strength and love when we thought we had none left, and face tougher challenges than we could ever had imagined. And today, we're a better family for it.

Thank you, Lucy, for giving us a chance. I can't believe how lucky we are to call you our Mei-Mei.

Fight or Flight

A year ago today, we boarded a plane that would take us to a new world. Not only were we about to bring a huge piece of Taiwan into our lives forever, but we had no idea the joy, pain, tears, sweat, and fear that would come along with it. As much as we educated adoptive parents think we're prepared -- we're not. At least this one wasn't.

In the next few days, I'm going to share as much as I can about that journey... and the one that followed through the past year. I'll share some video of Lucy now (prepare to fall in love) and some of the feelings that we've all experienced that truly took an entire year for me to process.

Until then, enjoy the very last photo we ever took as a family of four.

How Adoption Has Changed the Way I See Mother's Day

Disclaimer: The below post is written as promised but the feelings expressed below haven't been worked out yet. So keep your expectations low and your mind open.

Mother's Day

When I was a child, Mother's Day was complicated. It was a day to share my thanks for all the things Mary did every day. But it was also a day that reminded me of my first mother. Because of that, I felt confused, sad, angry and everything in between.

When I was just about to give birth to Jacob, Mother's Day arrived with a touching little note from my unborn son. I'm not proud of it but I remember wishing there was more to it. I think I had it in my head that the day was supposed to be this spectacular event, one where I felt showered with love, attention and appreciation. What I discovered every year after is that it's not about "stuff," it's about love. Ask anyone I've worked with and they'll tell you, I walk around with the coffee mug from my first Mother's Day, made especially by my almost one-year-old son, like it's the best thing ever. Because to me, it is.

Over the past few years, Mother's Day has become a day to slow down -- no plans, no parties, just us. We buy a little something for our mothers up north and back east... and I usually am way behind in actually sending them, just like this year. Do you notice a pattern there in my posts?

Last year, Mother's Day arrived just hours after I got off the plane from visiting Lucy in Taiwan. It was a day filled with mixed emotions -- grateful to have the day with my boys, but a piece of me still in Taiwan with my little girl.

This year, I was all over the place. While the feelings from when I was a little girl remain... the feelings of exhilaration that my family is together pump through my blood and make me feel like the happiest girl in the world. But this year, I found my thoughts constantly wandering to a new place -- Lucy's first mom.

When we were researching and discussing adoption, one reason we went international was to avoid the "messiness" of an open adoption. We weren't interested in bringing another family into ours, creating questions, feelings and confusion that we didn't think we were prepared for or equipped to deal with. Call us selfish but it's important to know your strengths and weaknesses when venturing on such an important path and those were our feelings.

But since Lucy has actually come home to us, I find myself thinking of her first mom regularly -- Would she see how much we love Lucy? Would she judge us for all the mistakes we make? I can't help but wonder how the rest of Lucy's first family are feeling. Are they regretting giving her up and her moving halfway across the world? Do they talk about her? Keep a picture of her on the mantle? Every child has a story -- Lucy is no different. While I don't find it necessary to go into hers here, I do wonder about extended people in her first family and how they've coped with the loss of a vibrant, beautiful, animated, opinionated ball of fire in their lives.

Do they have any idea what they're missing? I do.

And I feel so sorry for them. And with every passing day, I think of all the questions I have for them and the things I want to tell them. Maybe there will be a day when we can have some contact through our agency and Lucy can get more information about where she came from. But for now, I will just think good thoughts for them, hoping Lucy's first mom is looking down, wherever she is, and is proud of her daughter.

Because I know we are.

Letting Go... Starting New

I've been looking to make an investment lately. No, not one in an unsteady stock market or slapping down a big down payment in a confusing real estate climate. I wanted to make an investment in our family, by finding a photographer and creating some beautiful photos, documenting all that we've gone through in the past year. More on that in a second...

It's been eight months (and a day) since Lucy arrived home. The time has flown by. The dynamics of our family have shifted back and forth and upside down. It's like an earthquake hit, throwing all of our valuables up in the air while shaking us up. The funny thing about this natural disaster is that as the earthquake settles, our valuables are landing in a new way -- a better way. It's like we're now looking around us and noticing that the rubble and furniture in disarray actually works for us. Because, for us, the adoption process has been an act of God (herein referred to as A.O.G) -- complete with shock, pain, suffering, strength and beauty. Discovering your own ability to fight for what's right and finding support and love in those around you is something that happens often after an A.O.G. -- something that we saw first hand.

I could talk about our experience over the past several months every single day. I am happy to share what we've endured, learned and suggest for those on the journey ahead.

But not here.

Adoption is part of our family -- a very, very important part. But we're at the point where it doesn't need to be discussed daily. It doesn't define our life day in and day out. I am so proud of our family, of Lucy's strength and determination, of our boys' ability to open their hearts and face new and unknown territory with humor and bravery. I'm proud of Jeff, and even me, for making our marriage a priority -- something that could very easily suffer with all of the change, stress, and soul searching that have come along with the past months.

As you've probably noticed by now, we're letting go of Taiwan-On. That doesn't mean we're letting go of Taiwan by any stretch. In fact, it was a year ago that I was there for the first time visiting Lucy. It was a trip that changed me, it was a country that I fell in love with. We will always celebrate our daughter's culture, her birth country, and her first family.

But this is not the place for that.

The Silver Whining, designed by the beautiful and artistic Rebecca, is not an adoption blog. Of course you can count on some adoption-related stories -- like I said, it's a huge part of our family. But while I was looking to talk and write about everything-adoption while waiting for Lucy, I've found myself thinking 'I'm not your neighborhood adoption representative.' If you have questions, feel free to email me. I'm happy to discuss. But when it comes to day-to-day stories, my kids are my kids, no matter how they came to us.

So how does one tell a story of tragedy, triumph, tears, chaos and love without being long-winded and boring the heck out of people? (I obviously haven't succeeded at that part!) You find someone else to tell the story...

Let me tell you about Wendy Whitacre. Wendy is the owner of Blue Lily Photography. But Wendy does much, much more than "take pictures." Wendy and her amazing husband, Tyler, caught our family in a way I've never experienced -- she brought out the love, commitment, and strength we feel for each other every single day. She saw our children's playful side, encouraged their individuality and let them be exactly who they are. She made us feel like we were the only people ever to have been on the other side of her lens. I was amazed by her ability to get the best out of our kids, even after our two hour drive to the beautiful spot Wendy had chosen for our shoot.

Now, I know you can see there are pics to see so I'll stop rambling long enough for you to check them out. Every one of them feels like a work of art. I truly can't believe that's our family.



See what I mean? Wendy is such an incredible talent. My family and I are grateful we were blessed with her gift and highly recommend you have her take your picture. She and Tyler are located in SoCal but travel often... maybe even to your neighborhood! Here's a peek at their upcoming travel dates:
May 14-19, NYC
May 29-30th, Houston and Dallas
June 17-20th, Utah
July 23-25th, Seattle/Portland
September 24-27th Georgia/North Carolina
October 12-17th, Utah
October 23-26th, Florida, Orlando area
November 11-14th, Phoenix

Thank you Wendy and Tyler for sharing your brilliance with us! And Rebecca, for finding the time and energy to create a gorgeous space for me to share.

Later this week: Processing what Mother's Day really means to me...

Lucy's East Coast Adventure in Photos

Reminder: Send me your mother/kid photos (see post below). I'm getting some great photos and can't wait to share them!

Dedicated to My E-FFs

What's an E-FF? It's a BFF (best friend forever) with whom you communicate mostly online. When we were going through the adoption process, Tiff and Ramona were my support and place to laugh, cry and vent. Throughout the year-long wait for Lucy, Tiff -- who waited almost as long for Gracyn -- and I would say, "one day, we'll be at Disneyland with our little girls," along with Jaden, who was Lucy's SLC sister.

My relationship with these two incredible women is even stronger post-adoption. If there was ever a real, raw and honest place to turn -- they are it.

Details to follow but here we are... living the dream, with our little girls.


And don't forget to visit their blogs regularly... you can find them in my blogroll.

Six Months Later: The Interview with Taiwan Lucy!

I remember, a half a year ago today, bringing a scared, wobbly, whiny, clingy, tiny little girl home to meet her brothers. Those first days felt like they dragged on forever and I truly feared they would never get better.

Six months later, she is smart, sassy, funny, opinionated, adventurous and -- while still tiny -- finally growing. She communicates most of her needs, is almost completely potty trained (trying to keep up with her brothers!), and handles the brief separation time at her parent/tot class like a champ (swings trump mom any day). Lucy not only stands up to her brothers, she actually instigates a great deal of the trouble. While she still prefers Daddy, there was one day last week that she actually said "no!" when Daddy wanted to take her downstairs. Of course I was doing my makeup and she wanted a part of it...but hey, it's progress!

The past six months feel like they zipped past us. I think we're just coming out of the haze that you find yourself in when you bring home a new baby. But every month feels better than the last, and I'd be willing to bet there may actually be a day in the not-so-distant future, when we feel like raising these three incredible kids isn't kicking out butts so much after all. A girl can dream.

Do I Have Something On My Face?

We were having a fantastic family day out recently when it suddenly occurred to me that I was getting a few double takes and head tilts from those who happened to look in my direction.

Could it be they recognize me from my ten seconds on Good Day LA?

Nah, that's not it.

Maybe videos I've done on momlogic: car seat safety? drinking on playdates? spanking?
parenting teens? nannies gone wild? throwing a simple party?

Nope. Nope. And definitely nope.

Oooh, maybe my blog has become this overnight success and I'm finally about to break into the stay-at-home-and-make-enough-to-support-my-family world!

Uh, not quite.

It didn't take me long to discover that people weren't staring at me because they might know me, it's because my daughter is Asian.

Oh right, I forgot!

I joke but it's true -- It actually exits my mind that she would be seen as different from her practically translucent, freckly, reddish-haired mama. She's just such a part of us now that her physical appearance is less of what I notice, and more of who she is has taken it's place. Ask her brothers how she's different and they'll look at you like you have two heads. In fact, I thought I would play the whole 'everyone is special' game with the boys tonight after reading their bedtime stories. My creative way of addressing it was flipped on its head when my four-year-old pointed out if was me who was distinct in our family -- uh mom, no one else has blue eyes.

You can't argue that one.

So while it might take a little while to adjust to this newfound attention, I totally get it. Because I think most of us (definitely more than maybe some care to admit) take notice when we see situations that aren't the usual. I can live with that.

Just be warned, I may stare back.

You're NOT Helping, Barbara Walters

Watching the post-Oscar show with Baba Wawa tonight, she interviewed Oscar host Hugh Jackman. When giving a little bio on him she said, "He's been married 12 years to Deb and they have two adopted children."

Is it necessary to distinguish that a child is adopted VS biological?

I know BW's daughter is adopted so maybe she feels like it's cool to mention, but whenever I see in a magazine... or hear on TV... their "adopted" child (when there's no reason for it), it makes my heart hurt a little bit. Because I'm afraid my kids are growing up in a world that sees adoption as second best.

And for this mama, that ain't OK.

Although, if you did watch that interview... more offensive than the choice of words was the way she forced him to give her a lap dance. I'm off to take a shower.

From Toddler to Teen in Five Months

Dear Mom and Dad,

In case you haven't noticed, I'm going to be a hand full.

Love, Lucy

Mad Libs: Mommy's Little Helper

Fill in the blanks:
______! Just like _____, I can _____ and ______.

The Healing Power of a Camera Flash

Given my last post, you all probably think things are going a lot like this...


A sick and cuddly baby... a mother so concerned, she didn't even consider leaving her baby girl for a minute to shower (or pee for that matter ;)...

Yeah, that lasted a few minutes. I'm just glad Jeff grabbed the camera to document or no one would believe it.

The next morning... the hurricane was back in action, up to her old tricks -- and a few new ones.
If I can recall this correctly, one exchange in particular went something (a lot) like this:

Me: Sweetie, you can't climb from one chair to another. It's dangerous.
Lucy: giggle giggle


Me: Lucy, what are you doing?
Lucy scrambles like a cockroach who just got caught in a bright light.
Me: Lucy, where are you going?

You can see how it went.



And it lasted a good 20 minutes of her giggling and me snapping pictures.


After that?

I swept the floor. Who knew it was so dusty? That darn camera flash.

Why I Like Sick Kids

There's a tiny part of me that enjoys when my kids aren't feeling well.

What? You evil, sadistic mother!

Let me explain. For the past four-plus years, when my boys are sick, instead of wanting to play with their cars or swing in the front yard, they just want mommy. They want to curl up on a couch and let me read to them, snuggle with them and bring them crackers and juice on the couch. They lose the energy to resist parental requests, the urge to battle each other dissolves, and they even don't mind lying their heads in my lap while I stroke their hair -- in fact, I would even go as far to say they like it.

While I would prefer them to be healthy, if there is an upside to a case of a queasy stomach or lingering low-grade fever -- the bonding is hands down the silver lining. What mom doesn't love that?

Since Lucy's only been with us (four days shy of) 5 months, we haven't had too many sick days. In fact, the one time she was sick, she had only been home for a few days and I was the last person she wanted near her. But tonight, during my little hurricane's 102.8 fever and a stomach bug, she couldn't have been more engaged and cuddly -- just lying in my arms, babbling her thoughts with that big toothy grin she gets when she knows she's cute and will get anything she wants. When I would get up to help her brothers with something, she would sit up and wait for me until I could come back and hold her again. No tantrums, no climbing, no demands -- just giggles and snuggles. I could get used to this.

When you have your child from the very beginning of their life, I think it's easy to take for granted that your baby knows you'll be there, no matter what. Of course the boys feel that way, we've loved and supported them since day one. But with Lucy, you can actually feel her opening up every time her needs are met -- honestly and truly met. Each time she's comforted immediately after falling down, or smiled at when she wakes up -- realizing we'll always be right there to greet her with hugs and kisses. It's meeting her needs -- both physical and emotional -- many, many times a day, every single day for months and even years at a time, when the true bond becomes solid.

Because no matter what others may say, it doesn't happen overnight.

So when Lucy's feeling vulnerable, like when she's under the weather like tonight, I will continue to use her pain to my advantage -- enjoying the opportunity to take our relationship to the next level.

Because when that happens, we all feel good.

Song for Lucy: Happily Ever After

The only thing wrong with the original musical (and emotional) tribute to our daughter... was the ending! Who wants to leave things on a sad note? Not us.

Enjoy the hot-off-the-screen brand new video for Song for Lucy.